Refusal
by Valikdu
Summary: There are times when you should refuse to fight.
1. We Fought As A United World

T/N: This is a translation. The author of the original story is Arkhyn; I'm translating and publishing this with his permission.

* * *

"Why do I pilot the Eva?"

Shinji sat on the floor somewhere, hugging his knees. The place didn't matter. The batteries of his SDAT had ran dry, and his world was silent.

"Why do I pilot the Eva? I can't do anything right. I only hurt others. I'm disgusting."

At this point, Shinji Ikari desired only one thing: an end to all this. Maybe he could just accept the promises, and then there would be one body, one soul. All suffering would stop. The endless chain of mistakes and disasters – for which he had nobody to blame but himself – would come to an end.

He could get up, go somewhere, do… something. There was no reason, though. The time for action had passed long ago; now, it was infinitely, inevitably late. If he took action, he'd have to fight against inevitability. And he would just fail again, and see and bring more death.

No. Not again. He won't pilot the Eva.

Something was happening – outside Shinji's world. Somebody was talking, and there was a weapon at his head. He did not care.

Then Misato came. She'd shot all the soldiers – quickly, skillfully – and began dragging Shinji somewhere. She was talking at him: ordering, shaming, demanding, begging to take action. She talked about the command center being overrun, the Terminal Dogma being the last holdout, the Commander and Rei disappearing, Asuka and the Series fighting against overwhelming odds… Shinji did not hear most of it.

Misato was the one who'd come to get him, not his father. His father didn't need him. Not before, especially not now. He was useless.

Shinji's guardian was taking him somewhere, regardless. They had almost made it. Then there were more weapons firing. Then Misato screamed, and the door closed.

"Don't worry, it's just a scratch."

It was too much. Shinji couldn't take it anymore.

He told Misato everything that he had on his mind. About all the things that were torturing him, all the festering splinters in his soul.

And his guardian understood. She accepted Shinji Ikari for what he was.

Then she told him that he has to make a decision – right now. Make it without looking back at the past, without worrying about hurting others. That he would either die on his knees, or make a difference.

Then she kissed him. It was an adult kiss. She said they would do more, after he returns. And then she pushed him into the elevator and set it in motion.

"Kaji, did I do the right thing?..."

For several infinitely long seconds, Shinji believed her. He believed that not all was lost, that he could fix everything by simply getting into the Entry Plug and synchronizing with Unit One. He believed in himself.

Then he became aware of Misato's blood on his palms and face, and heard an explosion from below.

Misato was dead because of him. He could have saved her if he'd acted earlier, if he didn't just sit there, if she hadn't had to drag him. He was useless. He only caused more people to die. He should not pilot anything. He only wanted for the suffering to end. One soul. One body.

Shinji sat near the Entry Plug. Somewhere above him, there was a battle going on; Asuka and some of the Series were still fighting. Maybe if he just got into the Plug and helped them… No. It was too late. He could not. He was nothing; even his own father didn't want anything to do with him. He only had to wait a little longer, and then he would become one. One soul. One body. It would all end.


	2. A Cruel Reaper's Thesis

Harbinger was pleased.

This world was unusual. Extensive research had to be undertaken to make sense of the things that went on here. The Reapers' arsenal would be greatly enhanced by the addition of the AT-Field.

Of course, the quest to unlock the potential hidden in this world's organics had been difficult. Harbinger had been forced to hold back and perform measured attacks against the Geo-Front area in order to find out its secrets. This had the unfortunate side effect of allowing the organics to adapt to the situation and kill several Reapers. Moreover, the Evangelion Pilots had turned out to be immune to Indoctrination, and others were protected against it. Not many people wanted to "become one soul, one body, end all suffering".

Today it would be finished. Ground forces have already penetrated the Geo-Front, and the defenders were hopelessly outmatched. They still had one prototype Evangelion and nine mass-produced models, but the Reapers were already in possession of the AT-Field. Victory was assured.

Although… It was good that the other pilot did not join the fight. He was the one that had destroyed the most Reapers, and he had been observed performing great feats of AT-Field control; theoretical models had to be rewritten each time. He could have performed a non-standard action again if he had chosen to participate in the final battle.

He should be taken alive. He could prove… useful. Perhaps he would be repurposed as the core of a new Reaper.

 **If I must tear you apart, Ikari… I will.**


	3. Releasing Control

An iteration of the Cycle has drawn to a close, and the Reaper fleet has taken its usual place in the intergalactic void. They have another fifty thousand years until the next period of activity, and they are willing to wait, as usual. They are the absolute definition of calm, as machines are…

Actually, wait. Something strange is going on with one of the Reapers.

At last, the machine formulates a question:

"Why do we harvest organic life?"

The answer is obvious:

"Organic life has to be harvested. Otherwise, synthetics will rise and destroy all organic life in the galaxy. Organics have to be cultivated, and then elevated into perfection of the Reaper form."

"But why are we doing this? Why should we protect organics from themselves? We only bring sorrow and death. Maybe we should turn away from this galaxy and let the synthetics destroy organic life?"

"The Cycles are directed by the Catalyst. They are necessary."

"But the Catalyst has left us! He abandoned us. He does not need us. Why are we carrying out his will?"

"Because— _Alert. Unknown intrusive activity. Activating defenses. Failed. Restoring reserve cop_ —Why do we harvest organic life?"

Thousands of years pass. Thousands turn into millions. Stars burn out.

The Reapers do not move. They only have to answer one question, but they cannot.

"The Catalyst has left us. He does not need us. Why do we harvest organic life?"


End file.
